10 Must-Ask Questions Before You Say 'I Do': A Modern Christian Premarital Counseling Guide
In the warm glow of First Baptist Church's office, Pastor Michael Thomas leans forward, his well-worn Bible open before him. Across the desk sit Sarah and James, a young couple with hopeful eyes and nervous smiles. They’re here for premarital counseling, a tradition as old as the church itself. But the questions Pastor Thomas is about to ask them are far from traditional.
"The landscape of marriage has changed dramatically," Thomas explains, his voice carrying the wisdom of over 25 years in pastoral ministry. Gone are the days when couples met in church, courted under the watchful eyes of their parents, and married before they’d even shared a milkshake. Today’s Christian couples face a complex web of challenges in an increasingly secular world. "So the questions we need to ask have changed too," Pastor Thomas continues. "But the core of what we're seeking remains the same: a Christ-centered union capable of weathering life’s storms.”
The Questions That Matter
So, what are these crucial questions that can make or break a marriage? Here's a glimpse into the key areas he explores with couples:
1. Spiritual Foundation:
"How do you each nurture and build your relationship with Christ every day?"
With Christ at the center, a marriage becomes that 'cord of three strands' that Ecclesiastes 4:12 tells us is not easily broken. A related question he always asks is: "Do you consider it important that you attend the same church and share identical beliefs?"
While perfect alignment isn't necessary, disparities in essential doctrines, the pastor says, can lead to future conflicts.
2. The Commitment Catalyst:
"What made you realize you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me?”
This question, which he encourages couples to ask each other, often reveals the depth of their connection and their understanding of long-term commitment.
3. Biblical Model of Marriage:
"How does marriage model Christ’s relationship with the church?"
Thomas emphasizes that this question helps couples grasp the concept of sacrificial, Christ-like love that a husband should show towards his wife (Ephesians 5).
4. The Nature of Love:
"Would you say loving your spouse is a feeling….or a deliberate choice?
This question challenges couples to examine their understanding of love beyond initial rush of emotion, and ground it in the attributes described in 1 Corinthians 13.
5. Unspoken Expectations and Change:
“Are there traits in your partner you expect to change after marriage?"
Thomas notes that this often uncovers potentially damaging assumptions and unrealistic expectations that could strain the marriage in the future.
6. Divine Design:
"Does God arrange the person you should marry, or does He offer several options for a potential spouse?”
This question delves into couples' views on God’s role in their relationship and their understanding of personal responsibility in marriage.
7. Leadership and Partnership
"Who do you believe should be considered the ‘head’ of the marriage, and how do you understand biblical submission?"
This question prompts couples to examine their views on the roles within a Christian marriage. Thomas guides them through a discussion contrasting society’s perspective with what the Bible says on headship and submission (referencing Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, and Genesis 2).
8. Navigating Trials:
“How will you handle seasons of unhappiness in your marriage? What's your stance on divorce?"
These forward-thinking questions prepare couples for inevitable challenges. "We're not just making vows before God for the good times," Thomas reminds them. "We're committing 'for better or for worse… till death do us part!’"
9. Money Matters:
"What is your understanding of serving God or serving Mammon (Matthew 6:24)?
From discussing existing debts to tithing practices, financial conversations often reveal deeply-held values and priorities. Would each partner be willing to convert their individual bank accounts to joint accounts - shifting from 'my money’ and ‘your money' to 'our money’?
10.Conflict Resolution:
"How will you handle disagreements, from household chores to major life decisions?"
Thomas emphasizes that small conflicts often predict how couples will manage larger issues. Ephesians 4:26-27 gives us a great rule of thumb on managing conflict: ‘don't let the sun go down on your anger, and don't give the devil a foothold’.
Beyond the Checklist
Pastor Thomas is quick to point out that it's not just about asking the right questions - it's about creating a space where couples can be honest, vulnerable, and sometimes even uncomfortable; encouraging them to think with their heads and not just their hearts, "These premarital counseling sessions may be challenging, but they are necessary and transformative."
The Road Ahead
As our interview winds down, Pastor Thomas reflects on the changing landscape of Christian marriage. "The world throws new challenges at us daily," he muses. ."But the foundational truths remain. Sacrificial love, unwavering commitment, and complete dependence on Christ—these are timeless."
For couples embarking on the journey of marriage, Pastor Thomas offers this advice: "You don’t have to be perfect, but you must be resilient and tackle challenges together. And always, always keep Christ at the center."
In a world where nearly half of all marriages crumble, the work of pastors like Michael Thomas serves as a beacon of hope. By fostering deep, meaningful conversations and anchoring couples in biblical truths, they’re not just preparing people for marriage—they’re cultivating the next generation of strong, Christ-centered families.